(fifty) easy pieces of ass: a jack nicholson guide to picking up women in fifty (easy) pieces.

step 1: work in a quarry
* (step 21: despite prodigious talent.)
step 2: when you come home, never take her seriously.
step 3: be surprisingly eloquent, considering your social standing.
step 4: she plays ‘fetch’.
step 5: she doesn’t want to know where you’re going.
step 6: bowl. well.
step 7: chew while she fails.
step 8: ‘just do what the hell I tell you’.
step 9: compare her, unfavourably.
step 10: plot against her with your friends.
step 11: a toupée gives you ‘a little class’…?
step 12: encourage her to see other people – she’s chicken.
step 13: [if] she’s pathetic, say so.
step 14: say so if she isn’t, too.
step 15: ‘do you love me?’… ‘what do you think?’
step 16: make him feel small, it’ll make you feel good.
step 17: laugh her into her knickers.
step 18: always drive, and drink.
step 19: road rage is your friend.
step 20: bark the dog into submission.
step 21: see * vis-à-vis playing the piano.
step 22: she gets in the car when you want her to – until then, fondle.
step 23: make the child bawl.
step 24: make fun of it – bawl louder.
step 25: if he’s trying to be the bigger man, he’s the smaller man.
step 25a: when the big guy gets arrested, you know you were onto something.
step 26: punch fi[r]st, ask questions later – lots of them.
step 27: if she howls while she plays Bach, take her over the baby grand – she’ll howl louder that way.
step 28: take her clothes off. yours stay on.
step 29: ‘I’ll be gone for 2 or 3 weeks.’
step 30: don’t call.
step 31: ‘I never told you it’d amount to anything, did I?’
step 32: it was a joke. Take her with you.
step 33: when they’ve had a car-wreck, and you stop on the side of the road, ask them ‘what the hell’s going on here?’
step 34: she’ll believe you when you tell her Alaska was cold… before ‘The Big Thaw.’
step 35: tell all of them to shut up. They will.
step 36: always order off the menu.
step 37: be clever, then trash the diner.
step 38: make her go to sleep from behind.
step 39: ‘everything would be alright if you didn’t open your stupid mouth.’
step 40: make her wait in the motel, for days.†
step 41: tell her she ‘can always go home.’
step 42: your brother’s young wife is hot for you. She likes ‘riding’ – she finds it ‘invigorating’.
step 43: horse around ‘til they leave the room. All of them.
step 44: make fun of her feelings, destroy her perfume, push her on the bed, tell her to shut up. She’s yours.
step 45: make her chase you. Make her sprint.
step 46: is ‘Rayette’ really the answer to the question, ‘what’s the female version of Raymond?’?
step 47: if you really push it, it turns out she has a high boredom threshold.†
step 48: they’re all full of shit. They’re totally full of shit.
step 49: leave suddenly. Abandon your possessions.
step 50: †: 2 weeks!?!???!?!!!!?!!?!111111!??!??!111?!?1 [a manuscript visual pun.]